I was funny before this, you know

My friend and colleague, Chris, drew my attention to an article in last Monday's New York Times: Having cancer and finding a personality. The author describes her personality change post cancer diagnosis: "When I found out I had breast cancer 12 years ago I became a comedian." I think it is probably true that one's coping skills can manifest themselves in a myriad of unexpected ways (there can't be much that's more stressful than a cancer diagnosis) - but I challenge the assumption that it introduces personality facets that one has never had before.

A couple of people have said to me in reference to this blog: "Cancer has made you funny." Respectfully, I must counter that. To my mind, I was pretty bloody hilarious before all this. And, thanks to my private school/Cambridge education I've always been a good writer. It's just that I've never written a blog before so not many have experienced my well-written hilariousness first hand.

And in case anyone thinks that I'm jesting and joking my way through all this, I think its worth pointing out that I do have moments (often) of misery. Days three through five after infusion, when you're feeling like a shriveled up shadow of your former self - hairless, unable to get up off the couch, battling indigestion and a host of totally gross side effects that I shan't mention here - are really no laughing matter.

One of my doctors described a cancer diagnosis as potentially "liberating." Other than being able to get out of a couple of social obligations, I don't feel particularly liberated. I feel, in fact, chained to a new master. One that mandates a strict regimen of treatments and drugs that keep me confined to the house for one week of every two. One that doesn't allow me to think about much else than the disease and how to deal with it. It sucks.

But it will be over eventually and I'll be allowed back to my normal life. Hopefully I'll have learned a couple of lessons. Undoubtedly I'll have a greater appreciation for normalcy. And I'm confident I'll be as funny as ever although I may have to keep up the blogging to prove that to others.

Feeling pretty good today. So that gives me six days in the world before going back to the fog. Am off to Black Butte on Sunday so, web access permitting, I may be posting from the road.